At the behest of absolutely no one, I Eric Harris, being of sound mind and of my own volition, offer this short story for your mental digestion. May the resultant bulimia be gentle and non-spastic. I have others I can post if anyone requests them.
Transformers Rule! (Written some time ago.)
My adventure began with a yearning desire to become the first owner of the Transformers DVD...
In order to become the first proprietor of this coveted DVD, I had to go to The Big Apple. All stores would be selling the DVD tomorrow morning but because of the time zone differentials, New York businesses would open earlier than the westward areas of this great nation. I would be there.
After careful research and many bribes to those with inside information, I found the name of the store opening first. Many are not privy to the underground world of store opening betting. It’s big business. Most believe that a store opens at the indicated time on the side of building. Most people are morons. There is much more that goes into opening a store than just a guy in a smock unlocking the doors. I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into the pertinent details. Use the Google machine for more info.
I needed to get the time off from work so I placed a call to my boss and feigned endometriosis. I complained of uterus cramps and Fallopian tube pains. I was given a few days to recover. To ensure that I would be the first patron of the store the next morning, camping out would be required. Camping requires provisions like a tent, 7.6 feet of twine, a king size inflatable mattress, an inflatable dresser for my effects, an inflatable mirror and so forth. I picked up the items and finished my other preparations.
Most people travel by plane, car or train. My preferred means of conveyance is a pogo stick. I loaded up my essentials and hopped toward Times Square. Two hours later I arrived on the outskirts and wasn’t even breathing hard. There were only 23 hours left until the store opened its doors for business. Adequate time to guarantee my position. I purchased a hot dog from a chatty street vendor then made my way to the heart of Times Square to secure my spot at the front of the soon to be developing line.
To my utter disappointment, I discovered I was to be second!! Someone had beaten me to the store’s entrance! And the stupid jerk was perched in a fold out chair reading a magazine. Many thoughts inundated my mind, none of which were virtuous. Was he here for another movie? Was he just hanging out? I hopped over, dismounted my pogo stick and tried to calm down. Maybe he was here for some other reason. I had to know.
“You here for the Transformers DVD or just a lazy door greeter with no name tag and sans tunic?” I asked in a jocular tone.
“Why the Transformers DVD of course. I saw the movie 17 times in the theater with my daughter and can’t wait to watch it at home with her. What a little dear. She’s terminally sick and doesn’t have much longer to live. She is in constant pain and is unable to use pain killers because of fatal allergic reactions. The only time my wife and I have seen her smile lately is when she watches Transformers. That’s why we’ve seen it 17 times. It would be more but the medical bills we’ve been incurring haven’t allowed us to go as often as we would like. I have been awaiting the release of the DVD for a long time so that we could play it over and over for her. You should see her, she smiles the entire movie but as soon as it ends her face returns to the contorted face of never ending pain. It’s such a miraculous sight to behold.”
I knew then that I would have to kill him. I had to become the first owner of the DVD. I also made a mental note to avoid any trivial conversation with this guy. No sob story was gonna stop me from achieving my goal.
Due to my experience as a deep cover special agent I am an adept assassin. You may think I'll need to kill you now because you know my secret. No. Unless you get mouthy. Then uh oh! Looks like someone had a nasty, untraceable accident. Oh that [insert your name here] was always so clumsy. Always slipping and falling on their head...blah blah blah. You get the idea. Mums the word or slippy, fally, ouchie.
With many different methods available at my disposal, I had to utilize a technique that would not draw attention. I decided to employ a sniper method. Looking around enabled me to locate the perfect spot atop one of the adjacent buildings. I quickly assembled my frilly, pink tent and inflated all my necessary equipment. It felt like home but with less pink. With exaggerated actions of fatigue, I told my neighbor I was going to take a snooze. He bought the subterfuge.
Within the confines of the tent, I began to silently drill through the concrete like Bugs Bunny does to dirt in cartoons. I tunneled a passage to a deserted alley and scaled the fire escape to the roof of the building I spotted earlier. The undeserving thief that stole my rightful place in line had no idea what I had planned for him. My yearning to be the first owner of the DVD was no longer a desire but a mandatory necessity that wouldn’t acquiesce. I no longer had a choice.
I opted to use a boomerang because it made no noise, would return to me leaving the police clueless as to the weapon used, and because the speed with which I would throw it would remain invisible to any spectating eye. Steadying my aim I expertly handled the boomerang. Just as I was releasing the Australian weapon of death a strong gust of wind arose and altered the angle of my throw. Being true to form, the boomerang arced around and began its journey back to its origin. I had thrown the boomerang with such a velocity that catching it was impossible. I anticipated it would slow down once it sliced through the thief below and would be only visible to my well trained eyes and expectant hands. Now that it hadn’t, I was in trouble. I couldn’t see the rapidly approaching boomerang. The best option I had was to duck for cover and reduce my exposed surface area to avoid contact.
I wasn’t quick enough. I felt the impact as the boomerang crashed into my throat. It would have killed a lesser man. I tried to emit a few select curse words but was unable to draw or expel breath. As I laid there prostrate struggling for air, I decided being first wasn’t worth taking this man’s life and widowing his wife and little girl. All I would need to do is trip him as the horde of people stampeded into the store and I would be home free. I successfully did so and smiled as he disappeared under the throng of people.
I can now say I am the first owner of the Transformers DVD.
To the guy who unwillingly supplied his body as a door mat to the throng of people, sorry about the medical bills. It could be worse. Your wife could be writing out a check for your funeral bill. You understand, right?
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