Attention Vegetarians!

Cruelty to animals! Cruelty to animals! Carnivores are cruel to animals!

Guess what silly vegetarians? You are being cruel to animals too. In fact you are being crueler. You affect all animals and not just a small portion that humans eat. Allow me to explain because your nutrient deficient brains may not have the fuel to understand. If you cared about animals, you would not be a vegetarian.

There are two biological processes, photosynthesis and cellular respiration, that work together so perfectly they alone denote there is a God orchestrating things. We won’t delve into that discussion now though.

Photosynthesis is the conversion of water and carbon dioxide into sugars and oxygen. The process is powered by photons that originate from the sun. Sugars are synthesized from smaller compounds, water and carbon dioxide, anabolically. Breaking down the word photosynthesis into its prefix and suffix gives us photo- and -synthesis. Doing so essentially tells you what’s happening if that’s is easier for you to think about it. In summary, the starting materials are water, light and carbon dioxide. The products are sugar and oxygen.

Now let’s look at cellular respiration. I will not delineate the many steps comprising this process, as I didn’t when describing photosynthesis, but will focus on the inputs and outputs instead. Cellular respiration is effectively the opposite of photosynthesis except that our bodies do not emit light as a product. Our bodies take the products of photosynthesis, sugar and oxygen, and convert it into carbon dioxide and water.

Plants and animals live together symbiotically in what is known as mutualism, which means that both parties benefit from the interaction. Doesn’t that blow your mind that animals and plants are reciprocates and provide requisite food/materials for the other to subsist? Mind bottling as Chaz Michael Michaels would say.

So back to my original premise. Vegetarians are crueler to all animals than any meat eater. In a world that has errantly bought into the fallacy of global warming and is so concerned with carbon footprints, why would the would-be saviors of the earth, vegetarians, solely dine upon the living machines responsible for the conversion of carbon dioxide into breathable oxygen? When these supposed “do-gooders” only eat plants, they reduce the oxygen conversion centers responsible for providing oxygen to all animals and in turn make the air less oxygenated. Thanks guys. You eating more plants means lower quality air for everyone. To show my appreciation, I am going to eat a cow that will reduce methane emissions into the atmosphere while I club a baby seal with my free hand. The baby seal clubbing serves no real purpose other than showcasing my ambidexterity.*

Enjoy your beans and soy milk.

P.S. If you eat fish, you are not a vegetarian. Food for thought.

*I am thinking about starting a club for baby seals. I will call it Club Baby Seals. Anyone interested in joining?