How Titanic should have ended.

[The scene is where Rose and Leonardo DiCaprio* are floating in the ocean after the ship sunk.]

Leo: Rose, I can’t find the words to tell you how lucky I am to have met you. You probably wouldn’t understand them anyway through my chattering teeth. How’s about sharing a piece of that door?**

Rose: Now Leo, you wouldn’t want me to think you less than a gentleman, would you?

Leo: Certainly not. Hypothermia makes me say silly things. Forgive me.

[Some time elapses]

Leo: Pardon me, Rose, but I’ve been thinking that if we rotate turns on the…

Rose: Chivalry, Leo, chivalry.

[More time elapses]

Leo: I don’t mean to sound like a whiney little girl but my legs are cramping and I think it best I slip onto the door for a bit of a rest.

Rose: My fiancé wouldn’t complain as much as you.

Leo: You mean the guy that took off in the boat without you? You’re right. I’m way out of line for even implying we both live.

[More time elapses. Leo is now so dark blue that any Smurf would think he used a Smurf tanning bed.]

Leo: Chivalry has an expiration date and that was seconds ago. Get lost, tramp. Go find your fiancé or whatever.

Rose: Why I never…

Leo: That’s great. You look like a strong swimmer but try to conserve your energy. The Arctic cold has a way of sapping it quickly. Telegraph me later.

[Cut to a wrinkled old man narrating the story instead of the old lady.]

Interviewer: So you left her there in the water to die?

Leo: No I left her there in the water to swim. I feel like you weren’t listening.

Interviewer: Ummmm…sorry about that. So are you excited to see if we recover the Hope Diamond?

Leo: Is this your first interview? You should consider other employment. Of course I’m excited, junior. I’ll finally get to see the Hope Diamond necklace without Rose’s neck through it. She really wasn’t that attractive you know. Do what you gotta do to get paid, right?

Interviewer: Huh? So let me get this straight. You were only using Rose to get to the Hope Diamond?

Leo: It seems my ability to accurately describe her looks and your interviewing skills are on the same level. Bring in a sketch artist or I’ll throw up on the floor. They would both yield the same product.

Interviewer: Harsh.

Leo: Her looks or my comments? Actually I don’t care how you meant it. I grow weary of you. How’s about you make yourself useful and go fetch me a soda? Rustle yourself up some personality too if you can muster it.

…and blah, blah, blah until the movie ends. I do not remember. I care even less than I remember. Thank you for wasting your time.

*Don’t remember his character’s name and don’t care to expend the few seconds it would take to look it up. Much less time than it would have taken to type this explanation.

**Or whatever item she was selfishly using as a floatation device.